I never would have believed that I am an abused spouse. Even after visiting your page and reading some of the info, it still took me three tries just to write this much, and I might not send this either.

The abuse has been, so far, verbal, with only a few episodes of physical abuse. It sounds so strange to think about...

I don't know when it started, but I remember every episode vividly. The first time was her standing there, screaming at me "I hate you! I fucking hate you!" This had never happened before...when I questioned her about it later, she kept shrugging it off as "expressing her emotions".

Her favorite way of attacking me is to start in on me first thing in the morning--literally as I'm lifting my head off of the pillow. Not nagging, not berating me for not taking out the garbage...but name-calling and screaming and swearing at me before I've even had a cup of coffee. I remember one morning when, on our day off, I didn't wake up when she thought I should have. Even in my sleep I managed to offend her...

One of the writers on the page talked about his wife attacking him in the car. I can relate to that...that's one of her favorite times too, when I'm trapped like a bug.

Another memorable event was when we were trying to have sex...I was already stressed from having the baby all day, plus trying to deal with my wife, and I just could not perform. She chose that particular time, a time of shame of pain for me, to start a screaming fit at me.

And the abuse comes in so many different little ways...she continually disregards my wishes on even the smallest thing. Example: when we leave our house, we drive over a set of railroad tracks on a small rise. Speeding over these tracks causes the car to leave the ground for a second and always makes me sick to my stomach. No matter how many times I've asked her not to do that when she drives, it goes on. Or something so simple as keeping her house keys and car keys on the same ring...She comes home from work at night and kicks the door until I come and unlock it, after dropping everything else I may have been doing at that moment. This attitude of "I can do whatever I want to you" shows up so often in our life together.

Lately it has been escalating. This summer she finally started getting physical, threatening to strike me, shaking her fist in my face, throwing things at me. It almost seems like she's trying to provoke me (which I even hesitate to say...who would believe me if I said "she was asking for it?"), which--thank God--she hasn't done because I refuse to let it happen. I have never seen the problem that violence can solve, and I refuse to resort to it. I just keep walking away until she cools off.

We've seen a counselor off and on over the years...after my wife's last violent episode, I brought it up to the counselor, who'd spoken with my wife in an individual session the previous hour. The counselor's reponse was that my wife was "feeling threatened" and that triggered her violence.

We both came from abusive homes, and one of the premises that we got married under was that we would not stand for violence in our home, and yet here it is. I am still here, trying to figure out what to do next. I am a full-time father, so I don't have a job or any money of my own. When I've discussed leaving before, her answer has always been to "leave right now"--no clothes, no car, no money...just leave. And I know that if I didn't she'd have the sherriff out here...and who would listen to me?

I loved my wife, and she has killed it with her abusive, outrageous behavior. Even as I write this I'm getting sick to my stomach. I hate this so much. I am a victim of abuse, and I have nowhere to go with it. Fortunately--thank God--I have found a counselor who understands abuse and BELIEVES ME. That means so much. It is a start...if I ever make it out of this (and some days it feels like I never will), I don't know what I'd do next. My outlook has gotten so warped that I can't imagine life without this. I have kept waiting and waiting for things to get better...I've kept changing and adapting to her, thinking that her moodiness and anger were just idisyncracies, that I could get used to them, and when she got a handle on her stress things would be different. Now I see that she may not ever change, which leaves me with the choice of staying with her (and my daughter--who would give an unemployed father at entry-level custody of his child?) or leaving and starting over again at 34 years old. This isn't supposed to be the way things happened...I feel cheated and angry--but I don't dare show it because it will bring more anger down on me. If you read this, and you have any belief in God, please pray for me.